x

and pick up all this money, i know you on your grind
go on take it to the back and count up every single dime

♥

dear xanga, i am fucked up and i am very scared that jay gna make me sad tonite or in the future and idk wtf im doin wit my life i hate it. lately i feel like i been so depressed i jus be makin shit worse on myself with regards to him and with all life decisons really. i need to stay focused an jus think moneymoneymoney but thats all i do anf i feel like thats made me stray from the best man ever involved in my life. i know i need a crib down here asap, theoretically because part of my heart keep callin me bac to lima as much as that sucks. i feel like i keep delayin because in my heaart thats really what im doin-delayin lettin go. i dont wanna and i dont feel like either me or him really wanna letgo. like thats my homie, my heart we gotta go deeper than that. to tosss me off insult to the memory because he know our hearts got mashed he mighta accidentally took part mine but now he has it and aint no gettin it back, not wihout a slaughterhouse heartbreak, that which we didnt have. i did wrong but am still able to fix and i prayyyy he dont let me go, he gotta feel my heart cryin out for him i damn near beg its his pride that hinders hm now. because i know weve both almost moved past the hurt, accepted the pain but feel the lose without the other. or at least is how i feel, i feel lost and alone as hell. idk how he did it because we barely shared a bed but ohhhh my soul he took it. he matches me so evenly like im literaly begging him to forgive out my cells, my whole essence of late has been dire hope that shit will be okay. this pain will all be validated. and that i can somehow fix the greatness i so stupidly ignorantly destroyred. damn i love him. its crazy how many mens minds i fuck up, but for it just takes that one...

and pick up all this money, i know you on your grind
go on take it to the back and count up every single dime

♥

dear xanga, i am fucked up and i am very scared that jay gna make me sad tonite or in the future and idk wtf im doin wit my life i hate it. lately i feel like i been so depressed i jus be makin shit worse on myself with regards to him and with all life decisons really. i need to stay focused an jus think moneymoneymoney but thats all i do anf i feel like thats made me stray from the best man ever involved in my life. i know i need a crib down here asap, theoretically because part of my heart keep callin me bac to lima as much as that sucks. i feel like i keep delayin because in my heaart thats really what im doin-delayin lettin go. i dont wanna and i dont feel like either me or him really wanna letgo. like thats my homie, my heart we gotta go deeper than that. to tosss me off insult to the memory because he know our hearts got mashed he mighta accidentally took part mine but now he has it and aint no gettin it back, not wihout a slaughterhouse heartbreak, that which we didnt have. i did wrong but am still able to fix and i prayyyy he dont let me go, he gotta feel my heart cryin out for him i damn near beg its his pride that hinders hm now. because i know weve both almost moved past the hurt, accepted the pain but feel the lose without the other. or at least is how i feel, i feel lost and alone as hell. idk how he did it because we barely shared a bed but ohhhh my soul he took it. he matches me so evenly like im literaly begging him to forgive out my cells, my whole essence of late has been dire hope that shit will be okay. this pain will all be validated. and that i can somehow fix the greatness i so stupidly ignorantly destroyred. damn i love him. its crazy how many mens minds i fuck up, but for it just takes that one...

fourth grade

dear xanga,

you are the only person in the entire world who can appreciate this, because you over any of my friends know almost all of my secrets. in your multiple pages, you will discover reference to me being fourth grade over a boy. beyond references, you can find me directly talking about my highschool crush. how is it, dear xanga, that 6 years later that boy, a man now, should confess his feelings for me from long ago lasting all the way until now?! i just seriously started crying, because how many girls really ever get their teenage dream to reciprocate their feelings? i put that boy on such a pedestal, he was too good for me, too cool for me, tooooooo damn cute for me.

but apparently not...

i really feel like him telling me that, validated basically everything i am. not to be excessively dramatic, but every doubt ive ever had about myself MY WHOLE LIFE, just disappeared. more and more lately i have realized that i have grown to be a lovely, intelligent, abstract woman. i am soooooo happy to say that  for the first time in my life, that the only pain i can feel is from outside influence and not anywhere within myself.

god i am soooooooo fourth grade:p

bucketlist

My official (and undending) list of things i want to do before i die or have already done and and really pleased about that fact.

Fall in love

fall in real love

have a baby

have a mixed baby

try all the acceptable drugs

be a stripper

go to a osu game

ride in a limo

have a threesome in a limo

do promotional modeling work

trickk

complete my associates

get a masters

move out of ohio

be a good person

pop name brand bottles like you rich, even tho yu never been shittt

learn ojibwe

go to france

party in canada

make a million

master hangin upside down on a pole

get married

pop name brand bottles cause you rich

dont let mama forget about me

dont let mom die thinking she won

make sure sage isnt a ho

learn how to properly shoot a gun

be a pro-marijuana advocate

crazy to think i havent been able to properly word whats been going on in my head for almost a year, dear xanga. its been so fucking nuts. frommmmm jeremy to gettin wit nick to me leavin to livin outta my car that few weeks to meadows to workin at antones to 90 concerta in 30 days to no more antones to steak n shake and being to thin! to no more steak n shake all the money, and goods and self respect stolen from me, fuckin marcell! and playin all them dudes, becoming a stripper, fuckin them djs, fuckin wit they friends, tail gates, alcoholism, coke in a strip club bathroom stall, trickin, i dont even have anything left to steal.

 i have come back to delphos equally less and more than what i left with.

all these things, i think is the reason i just sit here and try so hard to comprehend, but i cannot. i think it was very important that i left delphos when i did this past april, however its unfortunate the situations that followed me in columbus. but coming back i realize that it really woke me up. its been two years since i became an adult and the whole time my thought has been "im young, its time to be partying", well im not so young anymore. i took a 2 year break from growing up which was really too long. im really not responsible. im irrational, i do things spur of the moment. doing things that i know deep within are bad things to be doing is something i damn near get off on. i cant explain the flaw in my personality that makes me want to be such a bad girl. no one taught me to fuck without protection and get pid and possibly be infertile. i was taught the opposite. i recall health class specifically teaching me to "JUST SAY NO" to drugs, but i still fucking love them. ive just always figured that there are so many people who do bad things that still function that id be able to somehow still be a good person while doing those bad things. but thats not even possible. no one wants a whore for a wife, not that im a whore but that numbers deffff gettin up there and look where it got me! inhaling things in your nose is only cute to others who do the same thing. and there is NO way any real man is content with his girl being a stripper.

Seven months later and im out 4000, my car was damn near busted, over 1000 people seen me half naked beggin for they dollas on stage, the dudes i was fuckin with are nowhere in sight...i didnt make one move to advance myself forward the whole time. worse than startin from scratch, i feel like im back to being the 17 year old that got court ordered to delphos the only difference is i got a car, and hopefully ive learned alot more.

aemelie, you are so much better than everything you have done and seen and im sooo glad you are able to see this. someday you are going to have a lovely house paid for by your great job, with a husband and children who love you. when this day comes, you are going to be that much more grateful for it based on all these experiences. although this day is a long while off, fuck it, youre young! you are going to get there so long as you make the right decisions literally every day, everyyyyy day. i know you can stave off your silly substance issues, and somehow, somehow, i dont know how yet but somehow you will survive with less dick. i know that parts hard but it wouldnt kill to maybe...idk get to know a dude before you fuck him? maybe only fuck dudes you in a relationship with? WOAHHHHH maybe date someone for the first time in 3 years! now thats a healthy idea.

my newest checklist for the next 6 months:

look for a dude yu tryna date, not jus smush!

good job on startin school again, get good grades!

start figuring out what to do for education beyond the associates...michigan? osu?

try to stay in delphos for awhile hun, i think its the only place you can keep control of yourself.